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Hey,
Lorddd, I’ve had the most stressful day since records began.
So today at break, JW came over to see me and he hugged me and stuff but I couldn’t act normal around him.
Oh yes, I must tell you, AN & myself are speaking again. We’re closer then ever.
So back to JW.. Yeah, I felt so guilty.
I felt like I was cheating on him, when I wasn’t. Well I was kind of..
I’m calling it emotionally cheating for now. Lmfao.
Then lunch came, and I didn’t want to be near JW anymore.. I wanted AN.
Me & my group went to the field and I slyly snuck away from JW.
He wanted to come with us on the field the other day and I made up an exuse that I didn’t want to take him away from his friends.. He said he didn’t want to stay with them and that he wanted to be with me but I told him no.
Sometimes, he’s too much.
Anyway, field. Yeah, we had an awesome time. Me & AN. Close. Godd. All I wanted to do was kiss him. I completely forget I’m taken and shouldn’t be feeling what I feel.
The lunch bell rang, time for last lesson.
God. I don’t know what came over me. I knew that after lunch, JW would be back.. And I’d remember he was my boyfriend.
I was walking off the field with mahh gang and AN goes, “Katie, what’s wrong?”
I say, “Nothing. I’m fine.” and smile. But he sees right through me.
He puts his arm round me & soon sees JW coming off the football pitch.
AN goes to JW, “There’s something wrong with Katie. Talk to her.”
AN walks off & JW asks what’s wrong. I say, “Nothing. I’m tired. I’m fine.” and try and smile.
JW goes, “Okay, that’s good. You didn’t look upset.”
I couldn’t help thinking, damnn.. AN knows me better then my own boyfriend.
Last lesson Sa gave me some advice which honestly really helped.. She’s normally crap with advice.
She said, “Katie, you said yourself you’re not happy when you’re around JW because you feel guilty. You can’t carry on like this forever, can you?”
I knew what I had to do.
I said, “I’m ending it with JW.”
She asked me if I was sure, and I said yes. She then told me that I should speak to AN about it and be totally sure that he’ll be there to pick up the pieces.
After school, I went up to AN and said bye.
I hugged him and then he asked again whats wrong.
This was my chance.
Him: What’s wrong, Katieee?
Me: God. You really wanna know?
Him: Yesss.
Me: I think I’m going to dump JW tonight.
He looks happy but tries to hide it to be supportive.
Him: Oh.. Why?
Me: You.
He feels guilty.
Him: You don’t have to, you know that don’t you? Don’t let me make you feel pressured.
Me: It’s what I want.. But I need to know you want to be with me before I do this.
Him: Katie, you know I like you.. Of course I will.
He kisses me on the cheek and I really reallyyyyyy want to kiss him but I notice JW watching.
He looks at me and give me his cheeky little grin & then winks at me.
I did that stupid little school girl smile/blush and walk off to JW.
JW holds my hand & I know this isn’t where I want to be..
I look over at AN and he’s looking at me.
Now all that’s left to do is the hard part..
JW walks me to my car. We drive off & I burst into tears. I tell mum everything.
I come on MSN and JW is there.
He says he’s overheard that AN likes me, this is my chance. I end it.
It’s over.
He didn’t take it well at first, but after I had explained and told him everything it was okay.
We’re friends.
I feel so.. Free.
God.
& I ended my last post with almost-perfect is good enough for me.
Well..
I was wrong.. almost-perfect wasn’t enough.
With Love,
Katie x.
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