So basically I created this account not to blog to friends but to blog to people out there who've been through this and people who won't judge me. I really hope that there's actually someone out there who can help me with my problems without saying the same things I've heard a million times from friends and family.
I'll start off with some basic details about my life leading up to what I'm about to blog about. So I'm a "normal" teenage girl who thinks way too much about everything. I read between the lines, and I think before I say things most of the time (which, to me, is not a good thing). I've had a bunch of childhood best friends who've all ended up moving away or just moving on. This is exactly why I can't learn to trust people so easily. It's obvious that my friends and family care, but most of them are never really "there". They're all occupied with their own thing these days. It seems kind of selfish to want someone there for me 24/7 answering my calls at midnight, listening and giving advice when I need it, giving me a shoulder to cry on no matter what, or even just for fooling around.
I used to have a friend like that until recently. She and I both changed a lot through our friendship. I liked it way better in the beginning even though we fought a lot. Towards the end of our friendship, we both never looked at each other the same. We never ran up to each other screaming in joy when we saw each other anymore. Most importantly, we stopped caring for each other. She went in and out of church too much boasting of her walk with God. I couldn't stand it because I was losing the once fun friend I had that was with me through everything and had time to fool around with me. Just last summer, we were spending every day with each other having the time of our lives, but then this summer was different. The air between us was always cold and unwelcoming. The friendly feeling was completely gone already. We spent most of our days thinking of how bad we were to each other and not about the good times we spent together. She was that one friend I had always wished for. The one that stayed on the phone with me for hours listening to me rant on about the new "man" in my life or about how he broke my heart. We talked about how we would hang out with each other every day, but then we started talking about how we had other plans already. Nobody saw the tension in our friendship. They still always asked about her when they say me. The others still remember us as the inseparable duo or the girls who never went anywhere without each other until we started going everywhere with a new friend. She found new best friends, and I found my way back to my cousin, the one who had never left me and stayed by me. Of course, even though I know my cousin, the best friend, will always be there for me, I just can't get that feeling that she really cares. She's a year younger than me, and she probably doesn't even understand why I get the feeling I do. It's like everything I do, I have to watch because I was such a big influence on her. Don't get me wrong, I love her more than anything. She's just like a little sister to me. We've always been the best of friends, but there were just some things we couldn't understand about each other.
Guys were one of the biggest things that tensed our relationship. She hated it when I talked about guys especially the one I talk about almost every day. She'd always been the kind to just keep things to herself and write them in a journal. The artistic type, she was. She just has a wonderful way with words. A way that I could only dream of having. She could express millions of feelings with just one paragraph. True talent, I call it.
That one guy I always talked too much about was this one guy I dated a year ago. Let's just call him... Bob. I prefer not to reveal any kind of identities. Anyways, he was a special one that kind of just snuck up on me. I had already had plenty of boyfriends, and I was just getting over my last one that cheated on me. One of my good friends was currently dating him when I met him at our annual Hawaiian Falls trip for school. We started talking pretty often over the internet, and we soon got to know each other pretty well. He knew about my current break up situation, and I knew about his bumpy replationship with my friend. It wasn't long until they broke up, and he "asked me out". I always had that butterfly in my stomach feeling when I talked to him, but that wasn't all that special. It happened with all my boyfriends. It was summer, and I only had the thought of being with him in my mind. I tried to think of many ways to visit him, and I stuck with one that worked. I lied to my mom telling her that I'd be staying at the library, where he lived very close to, all day and reading with some friends. After my mom dropped me off everyday really early, due to her early morning shift, I would stay outside the library waiting for him to come save me from complete boredom. I was always sleepy since I'd never been the early bird kind of person, especially in summer, but I never minded staying out waiting for him to get dressed and come out to take me somewhere else. Of course, I always had that guilt feeling of lying to my mom, but I always found it worth it. My mom went to work early and got off late so I had the whole day with him. Our relationship was better than any I had ever experienced. It was one of those that you only see in movies, but it ended too fast. You see... I've never gotten a relationship over 3 weeks. My moods were changing so fast that I didn't have enough time to make a reasonable decision. It was only a little after 3 week that I broke it off. My current best friend at that time was all over him. She had a thing for him, but he rejected it due to the fact that I had just broken his heart. I felt bad for it all until he did something to make me not want to take him back. He'd broken a promise that he made to me at the start of our friendship. I overreacted big time.
Even after summer ended and school started, I refused to have anything to do with him. I never really thought about him much. The memories we shared were all stuffed into the back of the closet of the back of my mind. My friends constantly still told me of how he still though about me and missed me. I ignored them all until I finally got the knock on my head that I needed. I wasn;t sure what exactly made me take such big action, but I started talking to him again. Slowly my feelings were coming back. He could see it as well, but we all knew it came too late. My hope was broken when I found out that he'd already moved on from me. He found a way to untangle himself from the mess that I created for him. I apologized to him for everything terrible I had ever done to him, but even through everything we'd been through, I could get him back. I started missing him terribly craving to just be close to him or to just talk to him. He was, as you would describe it, leading me on. As much as I knew that he was over me, I still wanted to feel his embrace and his hand around mine. Soon, I could tell, he was getting sick of it all the messages I sent him late at night confessing my "love" for him, the obvious show of wanting his hugs and kisses, and the chasing after him. He started ingoring my messages and started avoiding me. It was everything I didn't want to happen. I was losing him. Soon enough, we stopped talking completely. He didn;t care to see me crying and I found ways to steer clear of him. I tried hundreds of ways to get him out of my mind. I stopped going to the place that I saw him every week as well as the library that brought so many memories back, I put away our memories for good by burning them or ripping them to shreds. My heart was on the edge. I even remember the first time he told me he liked me when he told me that if I gave my heart to him, he;d fix it. He did try at first, I could tell. Then I guess he forgot about it. Everything still rings clearly through my mind all the memories good and bad.
Even now after months of trying to get him out of my mind, I still miss him terribly. It's just this time, I won't tell him. We still don't talk, and I find it completely awkward just standing 3 feet away from him. Did I mention he's a twin? I guess I left that part out. I'm still in touch with his twin brother who knows about basically everything. I'm not sure what he's thinking now though. I wish I did. The thing I want the most is to be able to move on, but I know deep inside that I crave being with him a lot more. If I just had that second chance... How cruel can life be?! I guess that'd called being a teenager.
The Teen Forums - Chat and more » Relax & Enjoy - General Chat » Other Random Bits n Bobs
Late night thinking? (very long)
(5 posts)-
Posted 3 months ago #
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i join the chat for a reason quite like yours im your average teen i think a bout every thing wayyyyy to much and i can never trust anyone. i dont know why its just this feeling i get after i've been friends with someone about a month its like im warning myself of danger. people think i talk alot but i dont say 1/3 of what im thinking. i love to read and listen to music its like my escape. when i read i can escape to a world full of wonder and life. i had a close friend once but you know there was a boy my best friend her boy friend well things changed he left and we became friends again except i never really forgave her. now i cant look at her without getting really really mad. i rarely forgive never forget life is crule but what doesnt kill us makes us stronger
Posted 2 weeks ago # -
wow, thats really sumthing. i cant tell u that u'll get over it, cuz no one can really gets over love, i still havent gotten over my first love. i was alot like u though, my relatonships didnt last for 2 weeks though, i think i was scared of commitment. but wen i met this guy it lasted about 7 months until we broke up. n the whole needing a friend to be there for u always i completely understand where ur coming from, n it is difficult to find. im still trying to find mines but i end up being the one to listen and help them with their problems while mines is over looked.and also the over analyzing thing, that doesnt really help me out, and i always second and third guess what i shuld say or the actions i do. but back to th guy u luv, like i said b4 i cant tell u that over time u'll get over him, ppl deal with things differently. i think that instead of like trying to avoid how u felt about him n like not pay attention to it ur actually hurting urself more then helping. i find getting a journal (and u dont have to be creative about how u word things)writing down every feeling u have even if it is redundant helps. even if like different entires r the same in size or other. the only way for u to get past this is to face it. i hope that helps :) n if u need sumone to talk to u can like e-mail me or sumthing if u want, i hear im a really good listener (or reader haha).
Posted 2 weeks ago # -
that sounds awsome my email is seo_94@hotmail.com. and i sooooo understand listening to peoples problems and never sharing your own. i had a friend like that she was always telling me all her problems and i never got in any of mine. i think your write about a journal. i think it would help alot.
ttfnPosted 2 weeks ago # -
mines is gsimplice08@yahoo.com
Posted 1 week ago #
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