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Post: He Almost Screwed Everything Up.. So I’m Walking Away.

Hey,

Holy Jesus what crap the past three days have been.
I shall tell you..

So JW came back from holiday on Friday. He wanted to see me the next day (Saturday), but me and Sa were meeting up to give Grape his Birthday present as we didn’t want to go to his party in Brighton.. I needed to save my money as I’m not working over the school holidays.
Anyway.. So on Saturday, I met Sa & we walked to Grapes house.
We gave him his present and then knocked for a few people.. We went to the park and soon enough, Grape had complete hold of me. He was hugging me so tight, I couldn’t move my arms.. I mean, I didn’t mind it, until he started sucking on my neck.
Yes, he was giving me a hiccy.. Another one.
All that was running through my mind was how I was going to explain it to JW if he saw.. As I was seeing him the next day (Sunday).
He soon let go, and I must admit, we had a really good time, and I forgot about it.. Completely.
My parents had told me to be home by 6pm.. It got to about 5.30pm and I decided I should start walking home.. Sa, Grape and two other boys I was with offered to walk with me as they were heading to a park about 10minutes away from my house.
They were walking really slowly, and I didn’t want to be all uptight and stuff, so I went with the flow.
It got to 6pm and we’d just reached the park. After I said my goodbyes, I tried to phone my mum and say I’d be a little late for dinner.. As I dialed the number, my dad called me. He was in London watching a football match, BTW.
I answered the phone and he told me that mum had just rang him and she’s annoyed that I’m late.
I phoned mum and told her I’d be home in about 10minutes.
I finally got home and she had a little moan at me, but it wasn’t too bad.. I had dinner then went upstairs on MSN.
Soon, dad came home and I went and had a shower.
At about 10pm, I came downstairs, sat on the sofa and watched TV.
I caught dad staring at me at the corner of my eye.. I looked at him and he said, “..Is that a hiccy?”
I thought, Oh shitt. I’d totally forgotten.
I tried to lie and say it was a bruise, but he’s not stupid.. He thought it was JW.. I couldn’t let him take the blame.. So I had to tell dad who it was.
See, I don’t know if all parents would act like he did.. Or if he’s just an over-protective father, who doesn’t want anyone touching his daughter.
To cut the story short, he lost it.
Completely.
He didn’t even look angry.. All I could see, was disappointment. Me and dad have always had a strong relationship.. I mean, he was there for everything. My operation, my attack after waking up from the anaesthetic.. He’s bought me everything I’ve ever wished for.. I’ve always been daddies little girl.. And I love him so much for that. He’d never looked at me this way before.. He hadn’t even said anything, and it was tearing me apart.
Then he asked me..
He asked a question.. And something happened inside me.. It was like.. I’d just been stabbed.
He said, “Why are you acting like a slapper?”
The tears stung my eyes and I felt weak. He’d never said anything like that to me before.. And I don’t know why it hurt so much. Because I know I’m not like that. It just did.
So anyway, he grounded me until “further notice”.
I was so upset that night, I cried myself to sleep after talking to my mum.. And in the morning, I remembered everything that happened, and cried into my breakfast.
Sad, isn’t it? Lol.
It was a few hours before JW was coming round.. My eyes were swollen but I had to see JW.. I’d been waiting for this moment for 2 weeks.. I couldn’t back out now.
JW came round and we went upstairs straight away.. I decided I wasn’t going to tell him about the hiccy.. I wasn’t going to tell him anything.. Because the last time I told him about the kiss with Grape, it really hurt him, but he was so supportive.. And if I lost him.. I really wouldn’t know what to do.
So I sat there.. Listening to JW talk about his holiday and how much he missed me. It felt so good to hug again but I couldn’t enjoy it to the fullest.. Because it was constantly in the back of my mind.. And all I wanted to do was to just.. Cry infront of him.. Just, let everything out.
I could sense he knew something was wrong.. And when he pulled out a present for me (the Chris Brown Exclusive - The Forever Edition CD), I couldn’t hold it in.
I told him everything.. From the hiccy, to the not talking to my dad. Half way through, I did what I wanted to do since he got there.. Everything got too much, & I burst into tears.
He hugged me and said, “Hey, don’t cry.”
I looked up at him and said, “I don’t know why you put up with me.”
He said, “Because I love you.”
I cried for ages on his shoulder.. He was so supportive. I knew he was hurting. I’d hurt him.. Again.
Then everything had become clear.. I suddenly knew what I had to do.
I dried my tears and said, “I’ve decided I’m not going to see Grape anymore.”
I could see a wave of relief in his eyes.. I knew he was happy. I owed him that much.
That’s it.. Me & Grape’s emotional rollercoaster has reached the end.
It’s the best thing to do.
I feel me & JW are even stronger now. I’m so happy he still loves me.
Dad didn’t even look at me through the whole dinner.. And last night, he told mum that he was thinking about not letting me see JW for a few weeks too.
That’s when it all got too much. I broke down & decided I was going to leave.
I was going to phone my Nan and ask if I could live with her.. I just wanted to run away.
I could see the pain in mums eyes when I told her. She went downstairs and obviously told dad.
Mum was going out with her friends yesterday night, so once she’d left, dad finally came upstairs and talked to me.
He basically said sorry for what he’d said to me, and he really didn’t mean it. He was just angry because he didn’t want me to turn out like he did.. Getting involved with the wrong people.
I said I was sorry and I’m not going to go anywhere near Grape anymore & it will never happen again.
We hugged, I was happy.
He’s still thinking about if JW is allowed round but I’m sooo grounded.
I don’t care.. As long as I can see the best boyfriend in the world and I’m talking to my dad.

Not hanging around with Grape will hurt me.. I know it will. But I can live.
He almost screwed everything up.. So I’m walking away.
It’s the best thing to do.

With Love,
Katie x.

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