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Post: she’s too big .. now she’s too thin

I know that is a line from a song (britney spears) .. but that is exactly how I feel. Maybe I should start from the beginning …

3 years ago was when it first started .. it all started with a holiday photo that was published in our school magazine. When I saw it I was sooo embarrassed by the size I looked. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t the biggest there but the only person I could see in that picture that was fat was me. Every person in the school is given a copy and most of the time people don’t read them or if they do they just scan them lookin at photos and leave them on the table complete with graffiti. Anyway I got to my last lesson of the day and I had totally forgotten about the picture when i found a copy of the magazine on the table .. so reading this magazine is obviously going to be more intrestin than physics so i was flicking through it laughin at the graffiti … laughin until i found the holiday picture. Someone had written little comments about everyone in the photo like “hot” and “i’d tap that” then on mine was “FAT” … I read those 3 letters and my world began crumbled from that point. It was then that I realised I needed to lose weight … and nothing was going to stop me.

I started with simple things that are healthy .. I cut out crisps, sweets, fizzy drinks - the usual things that make you overweight. I lost weight but once I had come to a stand still on the losing weight I thought that cutting more out of my diet was the right way … so I started to cut out carbs such as pasta and bread .. soon enough I decided cutting calories was the right way. I started cutting my calorie intake to 1000 calories .. I knew the calorie for everything - apple, slice of bread, 25g of cheese … anything I ate I knew the calorie count for.  Again, this wasn’t enough for me and started looking for new ways to lose weight .. so when I saw the “drop a dress size in 2 weeks with special K” being advertised I took up the challenge … but i didn’t follow it perfectly I cut the portion of cereal in 1/2 and convinced myself that it was the right way … by doing this I was surviving on avg. 600 calories a day. All the losing weight by this point had made me become moody and my mum had made me take up kickboxing as anger management. My coach had explained to me that by doing the 1hr class with him I would burn around 800 calories so I should be eating plenty of food … of course I told him I was and that I ate healthily anyway. As the time passed he started to comment on the rapid weight loss and I convinced him it was because I had taken up kickboxing .. and I was eating the same amount as I had before … well I wasn’t lieing i still was eating the same as before .. which was basically 1/2 a bowl of dry special k (i couldn’t hav milk .. it would make me fat!) for breakfast .. a special K cereal bar for lunch (i told my friends I always ate a big breakfast and had a huuge dinner waiting for me when I got home) and then salad for dinner if I got my way or a small portion of what my parents were having .. convincing them I had a huuuge lunch. Slowly I started to waste away and I still didn’t like what I saw in the mirror or in the photos. 

This ended last year in march when I passed out while on a school holiday. I was lucky enough to have a friend with me who was fully trained as a lifeguard so he had all his first aid training. I was only out for less than 2 minutes but when I came around he was so worried about me and I came clean and told him about my crazy diet. He couldn’t believe it .. he thought that I was the happy girl he always saw in school that he had known all his life and had no problems. He apologised for not realising and said that he would keep it a secret as long as I promised to get better and i did … for a while then last summer I had gone up to a UK size 14 and although everyone around me swore I didn’t look fat I still had those feelings. I started to make myself sick instead of stop eating because i was being monitered 24/7 by my friend. I knew he was trying to help but at the time it made it worse. As time went on I went back to my old habits of cutting food groups out … and convinced myself and everyone around me that I was allergiv to “processed foods” .. this wasn’t a total lie because they did make me feel sick every time i ate them but I wasn;t sure whether it was my body having a reaction or whether it was my brain just refusing it. Anyway it wasn’t working because everytime I lost the weight I was putting it back on by binging on high fat food like chocolate and takeaways.

Now, I try to stop the fad diets … but I can’t fully stop … and I don’t think I ever will. I understand what serious effects they have had on my body but there is still something in my mind saying that I’m too big. I still weigh every single day and take my measurements regularly. I’m currently a size 12 .. but I really want to be a size 10 … My main problem is my hips and now I’ve stopped my exercise classes and going to the gym and what seems like any sort of exercise (because I had to focus on my exams) I feel that I will never shift the weight. All I want to do is be able to wear a bikini on the beach with my friends who are all a size 8/10. I also feel at the moment that the reson I haven’t got a boyfriend is because maybe they think I’m too fat … this is where the quote comes in I used to be too big to be anyone’s girlfriend but then I got too thin to be anyone’s girlfriend and now I’m back to thinking that maybe I’m too big to be someone’s girlfriend … i’m just soo confused

all I wasnt is someone elses opinion …. someone who doesn’t know me and doesn’t have to say don’t be silly you look great .. when really they don’t mean it. 

If you have an opinion on nythin I’ve said then please leave a comment .. or even if you hav a question .. I’ll be happy to answer them

all I can say is whatever you do please don’t try what I did .. it’s sooo addictive and you will never lose the voice in your head!

promise to keep you updated, jacey.xx

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3 Responses to “she’s too big .. now she’s too thin”

  1. Katie Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    Normally, I can’t really be bothered to read such long posts like that one.
    But I was glued to your story all the way through.
    Half of the reason was because I wanted to see if you got better, but the other half was because I knew exactly what you were/are going through and everything you felt, I’ve felt it too.
    I’ve been through almost exactly what you’ve been through & I’m so glad I’ve finally found someone who has experienced how I feel.
    My weight worrying also started with a photograph. It was of me, my sister and my nan. I was wearing a skirt… My legs and face just looked so fat. And that’s how it all started. Back then I was a UK Size 8.
    Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I wasn’t fat.. But I couldn’t help myself. I started cutting out all the snacks in between my meals and soon realised I was losing weight.. From 8 Stone, I dropped to 7.5, and it made me feel good about myself. But then it stopped working. I kept at 7.5st and it bothered me that I couldn’t carry on losing the weight.
    I soon started skipping my lunch at school and I’d only eat a little bit of dinner when I got home.
    Soon, my mum started noticing that I wasn’t eating and she started not letting me leave the table until all of the food on my plate had gone. I felt like a 7yearold.
    I felt sick after every dinner that was forced down me.. I did think about making myself sick but I just didn’t have the guts.
    I’m a lot better now. I’m a Size 6/8 and I’m happy with the way I am.
    When I get takeaways or fattening foods, there’s something in my mind that tells me to stop.. But I have the strength to carry on.

    Your right, you never get rid of that voice.
    ♥

  2. Skhy Says:
    August 1st, 2008 at 10:45 pm

    Jacey and Katie,
    I haven’t even decided if I want to join this site or not, but I want you both to know that you two are not alone. I, like I believe the two if you, have ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified). You don’t have to meet the full requirements of any eating disorder (underweight, purging 6+ months, etc.), but merely have “real problems” with yourself and/or food. I live(d) an anorexic lifestyle and developed bulimia as well.

    I would love to share my story but it’s long and I don’t want to bore you. However, I will give you a little insight. I started out like you two. My experience went farther down hill though. (I mean in the sense of my actions and not my feelings. I’m in no way saying I had it worse- we all feel the same kind of pain.) Because of my ednos I have experienced the following: busting my head open twice from passing out, my cutting becoming extreme, severe drug addiction (mostly weed, xanax, oxycontin, and crack), seizures, two attempts at suicide, skipping school (I even quit going for a long while and I didn’t graduate), promiscuity, and so much more. Eating disorders will destroy you. And you’re both right, the voice never leaves.

    If either one of you, or anyone, want to talk my aim is skhy90. I think having a little support group or blog would be a great idea since this is a life-long struggle.

  3. Katie Says:
    August 4th, 2008 at 6:17 pm

    Wow..
    You have been through a lot.. I’m sorry to hear of your stuggle, Skhy.
    Sadly, I don’t have AIM but thank you for the offer.. Let’s hope Jacey does so you two can talk some more.

    Thank you for also sharing your story, even though I didn’t go through exactly ALL of the same things as you, my cutting got worse too..
    Thankfully I’ve gotten over it & only when something really serious happens that upsets me quite a bit I will THEN start thinking about cutting.
    That was also something that took me a while to get out of.

    Thanks again.
    ♥

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